Two of Me

I am working my way through a paper by David Wilkerson.  Yes, that David Wilkerson, the author of “The Cross and The Switchblade”.   And it is quite amazing – it addresses the issue that seems to be front and center in my own life right now.  The struggle that is within me and within you if you are honest about your life.

This is how he starts his paper:   I am a strange creature with two opposing minds in one body. 

Two distinct life forces in me keep trying to control my actions. 

There are things about myself that scare me. Things like a great inner need that can't be explained. Like the constant need for love and fulfillment. Also, those subtle desires that surface on occasion, making me lust for experiences that are contrary to my better nature.

I can't explain why I am such a dual person when it comes to right and wrong. The evil that I hate is always present in me. The good and moral desires are there too, keeping my mind in constant turmoil. It is not an every day, all day long battle, but the evil, at times, tries to overpower me.

Just when I think I've got my act together, things fall apart, and once again I am doing things I really don't want to do.

WOW.  This nails me to a tee!  I knew that when I took on trying to put in words what is going on within me that it would be a journey.  I’m glad to have David to walk with me as I sort out this mess and try to put it in words, make it concrete and not ethereal, make it a known not fiction. 

You see, for me, I like to know what I believe and further, I like to know why I believe what I believe.   And, I like to know how I arrived at that belief.  On what is it based and where did that basis come from.  Who is the greatest influence on what I believe and why do I trust them.  Well, you get the picture.  I’m guessing that this could be a years long journey.  Come along with me and enjoy.

Sorry You Are Upset

So, it looks like my last post caused a lot of consternation with my family and friends.  Sorry for that, well, no, I’m not sorry for the post but I am sorry that you are upset.  All I’m going to say is that some of you have some pretty thin skin.

I’m guessing that you are not so much upset with me as by the fact that the subject matter caused you to confront a subject you would rather leave buried somewhere.  Not my fault.  I’m just sharing what I have been thinking about recently.

There will be more posts in my private blog so as not to upset yo’all.  It helps me a lot to right down my thoughts and work out the issues I’m dealing with.

Be honest, you need to work out what you think about sin just as much as I do.  I need to know WHY I believe what I believe.  I need to know that what I believe is not JUST something I have been taught and thereby accepted as truth.  The Holy Scriptures have taken me much of the way but there is still a pathway to be followed.

Stay tuned…

Why Does Sin Have Such a Pull On the Human Spirit?

Here is a question that I have been struggling with for some time:  Why does Sin have such a pull on the human spirit?  We know that there are consequences for sinning.  We know that it will not be pleasant when we have to fess up and pay the price for our sin.  We even understand that our sin affects more that just we ourselves, i.e., family and friends and possibly innocent bystanders. Yet, we are still drawn to sin much like a moth is to fire.

Each of us has experienced having been drawn to something we know will be harmful to us and those around us.  There are many things in each of our lives.  Perhaps it is gossip, or using an illegal substance, or the way we treat others, or what we allow our selves to watch, or perhaps, even it is a clandestine meet up that we know will only bring hurt and anger.  The list is endless.  You can add your sin or sins to the list if you like.

So, back to my question.  Why are we drawn to the thing we know will be unpleasant, harmful and in many cases downright disgusting?  We have not even talked about introducing the God Factor yet. I mean, if we leave God out of the problem (not a good thing to do under any circumstance) and just look at the physical affects of doing something that we know is going to result in pain, injury or even fractured relationship with those whom we love, why do we do it?  Why are we so drawn, so enamored?  Why is it not repulsive?  Why do we not instinctively turn and run away?

I do have a theory, and it is only a theory, that since we live in a society that does not believe in, nor practice, being held responsible for our actions, we dismiss the fact that there WILL be consequences and instead, shrug off the thought that it will hurt anyone but ourselves.  Therefore in our minds we lessen the consequence and minimize it effect or perhaps even try to rationalize our actions as not hurting anyone else so therefore it is OK. 

I am not a theologian, psychologist or theoretician and I have no experience here except for my own to draw from, but this type of thinking sounds like it will not end well.  I already know that it does not feel well and that having so many questions is confusing at best.  I want answers and not just theories or suggestions.  I also want to understand without doubts why I believe what I believe. 

So where do we go from here?  No, where do “I” go from here? 

My journey has now begun.

New Doctor

Well, the meet and greet is over.  I really like my new doctor.  He is young and energetic.  I like his outlook on life and most importantly, he made me feel comfortable.  Not comfortable enough for my blood pressure to lower much however. 

He is starting me on some new drugs and I have a lot of tests to do over the next few weeks.  Not so bad, I would have had to do the tests anyway.  I just hate (yes, that is the correct term) doing blood tests of any kind.  AND, I really don’t like fasting.  Having to do both at the same time is nothing short of torture. 

The Adventure Continues

So…the adventure continues…well, at least the health care adventure continues.  In December Kathleen and I made the decision to change insurance for me.  After about 12 years with Group Health I’m moving over to Premera.  GH was good to me…no complaints there.  But Obama Care made a mess of everything!

I meet with a new doctor today.  That will mean new labs, blood draws and probably new prescriptions.  I’m not totally sure how I feel about that unless they reduce the meds.  That I would be in favor of.  I will probably have most of it sorted out in a month or so.