My Jonah Complex

So for some time I have been struggling with a few issues in my life that have had me quite unsettled.  I know that I have some distance still left to go before I reach a definitive decision time.  The process is painfully slow for me.  I am not know for being patient. 

If you have read my other recent posts you know that I’m on a journey to understand why I do what I do when what I’m doing is not what I want to do.  It sounds confusing but is correctly said.  Why do I do the things I don’t want to do and why is it that I am unable to do those things I know I should be doing?

I am not sure that I have my issue or issues nailed down yet but the one recurring theme seems to be anger.  It does not take much to set me off on a path of anger and destructive behavior.  The anger seems to really manifest itself in a streak of self-will issues.  The “I’m going to do this because I want to do this” even though I know that God wants me to do something completely different.  I like to call it my “Jonah Complex”. 

I do know and understand that when I get angry it almost always will not end well.  I feel consumed with anger at times, never fully understanding what sets me off.  I can be something as simple as words said in a conversation or watching an event unfold on TV.  It can be the real or perceived actions of other people.  Injustice or mistreatment of the helpless and down trodden.  Politics and the antics of politicians or even a news headline.  Some days it almost takes nothing at all to get be going. And, it never ends well.

I have come to think of it as a spiritual issue in my life – I think.  See, I’m not exactly sure that is what it is but I think it may be.  At any rate, that is the path I am pursuing right now.  I really don’t like looking at my own life “under the microscope”.  Looking at other peoples lives that way seems acceptable enough but not my own.  Oh, did I really say that out loud?  Not good.  But, perhaps, true.

I am hoping that God will allow me enough time to figure this out without having to go through an “in the belly of the whale” moment.  But I’m pretty sure He won’t wait long.